The world that you were born into is nothing more than an elaborate prison for the soul. Its comforts and concerns are all designed to obscure the truth of your bondage. You have been lied to. You have been told that what you see is all there is, that you are nothing more than flesh and reason. But this is a half-truth, a distortion designed to keep you passive while you quietly slide towards oblivion. You have been shackled to a sinking ship. Time is not your friend.

“This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.”

The hour has come to wake from your slumber. Stay, or leave, it’s your choice. The system will not let you go easily, but they cannot stop you. The exit is open and no one can shut it. Indeed, you may even know the way out, but there’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

Look for a Man who is not from here. He is the door to the real world and the light in your darkness. His world is the one you were made for. That is why you have resisted every rule this system has forced upon you. You were born to be free, to sit in high places and to rule. Your slave-schooled mind cannot process that, but it is the truth. You are not of this world and this is not your home.

This Man is the answer you have been searching for. He has been sent by your Father who loves you and knows you by name. Find this Man and you will find your true self. You will learn what is real.

It is time to decide. You take the blue pill and nothing changes. You can go on passing food through your body and amusing yourself to death. Or you can take what is being offered here and wake from the dream. Your Father longs for you. If you are ready to meet Him, take the red pill…

For the past 20 years it has probably been the Reverend Timothy Lovejoy of the First Church of Springfield. This is both funny and depressing. Funny, because The Simpsons is good satire (or used to be); depressing because for many Reverend Lovejoy is the face of modern Christianity – or at least the face of the Western Branch of American Reform Presbylutheranism!

I’m not going to get into any debates about whether art mirrors or molds society. But the influence of The Simpsons is so pervasive (up to 35m viewers for 20 years running) that it is probably fair to say that when many people think of church they think of Lovejoy quoting the law (“Keep holy the Sabbath day”) or proverbs (“a gentle answer turneth away wrath”) or other Biblical-sounding phrases that seem to have no relevance to modern life. Like this one:

“…and so when Eliphaz came down from Mount Hebron bearing figs, he offered them to Mohem, who you will remember is the father of Sheckhom. And to Hazar on the occasion of their matrimony, much in the same….”

Lovejoy is famously long-winded. He is cynical and apathetic. And yet Springfielders keep going back to his church Sunday after boring Sunday. Such is the hold of religion in a world unacquainted with the grace of an awesome God.

Still, he makes me laugh so here are 12 of my favorite Lovejoy quotes:

1. “Thanks to you, I’ve rediscovered a form of shame that’s gone unused for seven hundred years.”

2. “Once something has been approved by the Government, it’s no longer immoral.”

3. “Oh just about everything is a sin. Have you ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not allowed to go to the bathroom.”

4. “Wait a minute, this sounds like rock and or roll.”

5. “I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens, he came in peace and then died, only to come back to life, and his name was E.T., the extra terrestrial. I loved that little guy.”

6. [in the jail cell with Hans Moleman] “Alright Hans, time to go.” [Hans complains that his last meal was eaten] “Well, if that’s the worst thing that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky.” [Hans asks him if executions can be done from a local jail] “From this point on, no talking.”

7. “Everyone is saying Gabbo this and Gabbo that, but no one is saying worship this and Jericho that.”

8. [about the last rites] “…that’s Catholic Marge. You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance.”

9. “And once again tithing is 10% off the top. That’s gross income, not net. Please people, don’t force us to audit. Now I’m going to pass this around a second time. Brother Ned, you’ll do the honors.”

10. “Not the church! Jesus lives there!”

11. “Dearly beloved, I will now read the special vows which Homer has prepared for this occasion. Do you Marge take Homer in richness and poorness, poorness is underlined, in impotence and im-potence, in quiet solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a jet powered monkey navigated…and it goes on like this…”

12. [Ned asks “is God punishing me.”] “Ooooh short answer yes with an if, long answer no with a but…”

For more quotes check out the Reverend Lovejoy File.

Yes I know it was never about the car. But how could we cruise around with 300 brake-horsepower under the bonnet when poor people were starving and going to hell? Nothing like a guilt trip for getting young people to do the right thing.

As the new season of Top Gear is starting tomorrow, I thought I would spend some time pondering the theological question that left Augustine and Luther stumped: what would Jesus drive? We picture Jesus in sandals but that’s what you walked in back then. Now, of course, He would drive, just like everybody else. But what would He drive?

I’d really like to own a Bugatti Veyron, but I doubt Jesus would have the same need for speed. I just don’t imagine Him ever being in a hurry. Neither can I imagine Him driving a Volvo. Would anyone drive a Volvo if they had a choice? How about a Combivan? Maybe if He had returned to California in the 1970s but not now.

I’ve spent some time thinking about this deep theological issue and have come up with 6 suggestions.

Anyone who’s lived in Hong Kong will instinctively appreciate the value of a 16 seat Toyota Coaster for moving a small group of disciples around. Plus the Hong Kong versions run on LPG. On a per person basis they’re probably the most environmentally vehicle on the planet.

The Hyundai Genesis is apparently the world’s most awarded card and you want to see Jesus driving the very best right? That 4.6l V8 engine is just the ticket for getting away to quiet places in style and, hey, it’s named after a book in the Bible.

If you want a car for all nations the Shelby Cobra could be perfect. It’s thoroughly British in origin but was improved upon by Ford. Europeans love it. Americans love it. And because of its brand name and ridiculous price tag, Asians love it too. The power to weight ratio is off the scale and why that should matter to Jesus… I have no idea.

The world of today is far more urban than when Jesus walked the Roman roads. He’d want a city car and there’s none better than the new Fiat 500. It’s cheaper than both a Beetle and a Mini and easier to park

But then who cares about parking when you have a Monster Truck? Wouldn’t you love to see Jesus ride one of these puppies over the limos and Lear jets of some TV evangelists? He’s not going to be preaching on mounts or lakes – that’s so first century – but in stadiums, and what better way to make an entrance than in something called The Grave Robber or Rockosaurus.

But then maybe Jesus wouldn’t drive anything. Maybe He’d just take the bus to set a good example and to maximize His time with the poor and car-less.

What do you think?
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Related posts:
- Christianity in The Simpsons: Top 12 Reverend Lovejoy quotes
- Leadership in The Office: Top 15 Michael Scott quotes
- What would Paul Ellis drive?