With the unashamed intent of cashing in on this trend, I would like to offer here some pearls of wisdom from one of my favorite leaders, the affable Michael Scott of Dunder Mifflin, the company that offers “limitless paper in a paperless world.”

If you have not seen the US show The Office, I should warn you that Michael Scott is one of the worst managers you’ll ever come across. But you don’t need competence to be a leader these days. What you need is attitude, vision, commitment, passion, enthusiasm, charisma and a lot of other things. I know this because I got hold of a book revealing important leadership secrets.

Michael Scott has all these characteristics in spades. He has a positive attitude, he’s utterly committed to the success of his organization, he’s passionate, visionary, enthusiastic, and on top of all that, he genuinely cares for his staff. He treats his employees as family.

So by most modern measures, Michael Scott is a role model for leaders everywhere. We can all learn a lot from him. Here are my top 15 Michael Scott quotes:

1. You need to play to win. But… you also need to win… to play.

2. Abraham Lincoln once said that “If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North,” and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.

3. Ed Truck, yuck, Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, oh Ed Truck is walking toward us, stop having fun. Start pretending to do work. What a jerk… I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager people would laugh when they saw me coming, and would applaud as I walked away.

4. When I was Ryan’s age, I worked in a fast food restaurant to save up money for school. And then I lost it in a pyramid scheme. But I learned more about business right then and there than business school would ever teach me.

5. I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.

6. An employee will go home and ask his neighbor, “Hey, did you get an award?” “No man. I mean I slave all day and no one notices.” Next thing you know, he smells something funny from his neighbor’s house. Neighbor hanged himself due to lack of recognition.

7. Inventory is boring. In the islands they don’t make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do think so many businesses moved to the Caymans?

8. Do I want to be feared or loved? That’s a good question. I want both. I people to be afraid of how much they love me!

9. Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I’ve heard “women and children first.” But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.

10. Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, “Hey man, I love you this many dollars-worth.”

11. Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin, and yes I know it’s January, I’m not an idiot, but if you do your spring cleaning in January guess what you don’t have to do in the spring… anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind, well I say an empty desk means an…

12. There are 5 stages to grief which are…[reading from computer] Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. And right now, out there, they are all denying the fact that they’re sad and that’s hard and it’s making them all angry. And it is my job to get them all the way through to Acceptance and if not Acceptance then Depression… If I can get them depressed, then I’ll have done my job.

13. I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Samford. It’s like with firemen, you don’t leave your brothers behind. Even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.

14. I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn’t even work here.

15. You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you and then you run over one person with your car – not even one of the popular ones – and everybody gets on your case. Doesn’t make any sense.

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For the past 20 years it has probably been the Reverend Timothy Lovejoy of the First Church of Springfield. This is both funny and depressing. Funny, because The Simpsons is good satire (or used to be); depressing because for many Reverend Lovejoy is the face of modern Christianity – or at least the face of the Western Branch of American Reform Presbylutheranism!

I’m not going to get into any debates about whether art mirrors or molds society. But the influence of The Simpsons is so pervasive (up to 35m viewers for 20 years running) that it is probably fair to say that when many people think of church they think of Lovejoy quoting the law (“Keep holy the Sabbath day”) or proverbs (“a gentle answer turneth away wrath”) or other Biblical-sounding phrases that seem to have no relevance to modern life. Like this one:

“…and so when Eliphaz came down from Mount Hebron bearing figs, he offered them to Mohem, who you will remember is the father of Sheckhom. And to Hazar on the occasion of their matrimony, much in the same….”

Lovejoy is famously long-winded. He is cynical and apathetic. And yet Springfielders keep going back to his church Sunday after boring Sunday. Such is the hold of religion in a world unacquainted with the grace of an awesome God.

Still, he makes me laugh so here are 12 of my favorite Lovejoy quotes:

1. “Thanks to you, I’ve rediscovered a form of shame that’s gone unused for seven hundred years.”

2. “Once something has been approved by the Government, it’s no longer immoral.”

3. “Oh just about everything is a sin. Have you ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not allowed to go to the bathroom.”

4. “Wait a minute, this sounds like rock and or roll.”

5. “I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens, he came in peace and then died, only to come back to life, and his name was E.T., the extra terrestrial. I loved that little guy.”

6. [in the jail cell with Hans Moleman] “Alright Hans, time to go.” [Hans complains that his last meal was eaten] “Well, if that’s the worst thing that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky.” [Hans asks him if executions can be done from a local jail] “From this point on, no talking.”

7. “Everyone is saying Gabbo this and Gabbo that, but no one is saying worship this and Jericho that.”

8. [about the last rites] “…that’s Catholic Marge. You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance.”

9. “And once again tithing is 10% off the top. That’s gross income, not net. Please people, don’t force us to audit. Now I’m going to pass this around a second time. Brother Ned, you’ll do the honors.”

10. “Not the church! Jesus lives there!”

11. “Dearly beloved, I will now read the special vows which Homer has prepared for this occasion. Do you Marge take Homer in richness and poorness, poorness is underlined, in impotence and im-potence, in quiet solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a jet powered monkey navigated…and it goes on like this…”

12. [Ned asks “is God punishing me.”] “Ooooh short answer yes with an if, long answer no with a but…”

For more quotes check out the Reverend Lovejoy File.

Yes I know it was never about the car. But how could we cruise around with 300 brake-horsepower under the bonnet when poor people were starving and going to hell? Nothing like a guilt trip for getting young people to do the right thing.

As the new season of Top Gear is starting tomorrow, I thought I would spend some time pondering the theological question that left Augustine and Luther stumped: what would Jesus drive? We picture Jesus in sandals but that’s what you walked in back then. Now, of course, He would drive, just like everybody else. But what would He drive?

I’d really like to own a Bugatti Veyron, but I doubt Jesus would have the same need for speed. I just don’t imagine Him ever being in a hurry. Neither can I imagine Him driving a Volvo. Would anyone drive a Volvo if they had a choice? How about a Combivan? Maybe if He had returned to California in the 1970s but not now.

I’ve spent some time thinking about this deep theological issue and have come up with 6 suggestions.

Anyone who’s lived in Hong Kong will instinctively appreciate the value of a 16 seat Toyota Coaster for moving a small group of disciples around. Plus the Hong Kong versions run on LPG. On a per person basis they’re probably the most environmentally vehicle on the planet.

The Hyundai Genesis is apparently the world’s most awarded card and you want to see Jesus driving the very best right? That 4.6l V8 engine is just the ticket for getting away to quiet places in style and, hey, it’s named after a book in the Bible.

If you want a car for all nations the Shelby Cobra could be perfect. It’s thoroughly British in origin but was improved upon by Ford. Europeans love it. Americans love it. And because of its brand name and ridiculous price tag, Asians love it too. The power to weight ratio is off the scale and why that should matter to Jesus… I have no idea.

The world of today is far more urban than when Jesus walked the Roman roads. He’d want a city car and there’s none better than the new Fiat 500. It’s cheaper than both a Beetle and a Mini and easier to park

But then who cares about parking when you have a Monster Truck? Wouldn’t you love to see Jesus ride one of these puppies over the limos and Lear jets of some TV evangelists? He’s not going to be preaching on mounts or lakes – that’s so first century – but in stadiums, and what better way to make an entrance than in something called The Grave Robber or Rockosaurus.

But then maybe Jesus wouldn’t drive anything. Maybe He’d just take the bus to set a good example and to maximize His time with the poor and car-less.

What do you think?
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Related posts:
- Christianity in The Simpsons: Top 12 Reverend Lovejoy quotes
- Leadership in The Office: Top 15 Michael Scott quotes
- What would Paul Ellis drive?